who’s the real me, anyways?
Pick your filter, which me do you want?
Why have I spent so much time thinking that being liked is the way to success? As if no one would see your worth if you showed your true colors or said what you really meant. Some call it “adapting” while the people I know call it “faking it”.
I don’t know, really.
For a long time I’ve told myself that I’m always the same person no matter who’s around me, but I might’ve been wrong. Looking back to certain moments, groups of friends and places I’ve lived in, and being the overthinker I am, I can’t help but think “what if I actually just changed the way I am so I could fit in?”
I’ve found myself listening to music I don’t really like while raving in some underground nightclub, as I put intoxicating things into my body because I wanted to be part of the group just to find out months later that all of that wasn’t really necessary.
I’ve said things I didn’t mean in a conversation I never thought I’d have with people I barely even liked, just to make them think I’m the kind of person they want to have around. Making statements that weren’t true, making promises I knew I wouldn’t keep, trying to keep a reputation I didn’t even need.
I spent over 2 months bottleting things up inside so my struggling friends wouldn’t think I was weak, even though I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t see me that way anyways.
I’ve starved myself and overworked my body trying to meet a someone else’s expectations just for them to end up going the other way. Endless nights standing in front of the mirror wondering what would make me be good enough; questioning why I couldn’t be enough.
Am I really changing myself to feel like I belong somewhere or is this the real me? I can complain and never take the blame, but what if that was the real me back in the days? Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether it was what I wanted.
Was it my coping mechanism that convinced me that it was the only way to get anywhere? I guess I’ll have to keep looking for that answer.
